the only thing missing is phil.

maggie is home for the holidays. unfortunately i only get to see her for a night and a day but its better than no maggie time at all. something about that girl makes my spirits rise. after craig gets home from work i will cut his hair and wait impatiently for forty five minutes while he showers. we will then jump in the car and drive to chicago. stopping only to pick up a lovely lady. we are attending (get this....) a black and white new years eve party. only to be topped by adding masquerade masks. next year im thinking of having an any-thing-but-black-and-white new years eve party. what can i say, im drawn to color.

i realize that i havent seen maggie or her family since last year at new years. its kinda become a tradition that i snuggle up on the futon in the basement after we make the trek back to the suburbs. im super excited to just be in her house again. its a familiar place and looks like it is straight out of a fairy tale. plus her parents have really great laughs and amazing breakfast cooking abilities. i havent seen phil since halloween which is at least 3 weeks past our normal 6 week routine. im going through withdrawals. i even sat and watch MIB 2. for no reason other than i know phils fondness for will smith and all of his many unappreciated talents.

jeremy asked me to write for his magazine. which i am pretty excited for. i get to go to the chicago car show (for free!!) and check everything out. the coolest part...i get a press pass. no seriously. this is fulfilling a life long dream of mine. ever since i saw superman i was focused on lois lane instead of clark kent. but it wasnt her ability to have a devilishly handsome superhero at her beck and call. i wanted a desk and a typewriter. i want my name on a byline. needless to say im pretty excited about this.

so 2009 i bid you farewell. thanks for all the good times and the opportunities to grow. i wish you all the best as you are remembered by burnt out celebrities trying to make a few bucks on some random VH1 recap show. you werent by far my favorite year. but at least you brought me craig and lady gaga.

and really ladys and gents, what more could i ask for?

thats all folks.

so im quitting my job tomorrow. i have this nervous pukey feeling in my stomach and i dont think its just from the milkshake a just drank. ive never been much of a quitter. hence the length of time ive spent at this job.

its just gotten to the point where its not worth my time or energy anymore. there are other things out there id rather focus on. like baking. and drywall. im deciding to rid myself of the things in my life that i feel are holding me back. im 25 and there is oh so much i have yet to do.

i have dreams. not goals. but dreams. i work with a man who's wife runs her own cake business. ive been poking my nose around and am hoping to get in and learn a thing or two. plus i got an apron for christmas and it needs to be broken in.

heres to the best that you can make happen.

not your typical christmas eve post

its christmas eve there is snow covering the ground and my lungs are still strong enough to pull in the frosty air.

if nothing else this is enough reason to be thankful to be alive. i promised to myself some time ago that i would always try to see the brighter side of things. all my life people have always thought of me as so happy and nice. once i was even told i was someones "always smiling joy spewing happy ball". needless to say much gin was involved in that conversation. but the truth is i learned many years ago how to fake a smile. laughing has always by far been my defense mechanism and chances are ive spent more time deeply depressed than i have completely elated. ive seen the lows. ive had times in my life where i lost all hope. and felt there was no need to carry on. ive thought suicidal thoughts multiple times. ive cut myself. ive isolated myself from everyone and everything. all the while wearing this smile. not to say that it wasnt genuine. it was just serving a dual purpose.

now im not telling you all this for pity or shock value. i just want some of you to understand that i have been down the road you seem to be on. its lonely and dark. and even though you can see footsteps on the path that dont belong to you, you feel utterly alone. and the truth is you are. when you keep yourself in that mindset. when you dont try to find something better. when you dont believe that there is something worth waking up for out there. then you are alone. no matter what anyone may tell you. its taken me years to come to grips with the lowest time in my life. it still scares me to think back on that time and remember the things i thought about doing.

im 25 and have the whole world to live for. i have a family that is honest and loving. i have friends that are trustworthy and kind. i have a boyfriend that adores me. now unfortunately not all of us have all of these things. but before you go around moping about how horrible your life is do an honest inventory. there are things worth getting excited over in your life. do you love the way trees look when all the leaves have fallen away and snow has blanketed the outstretched branches? do you love the sound a bonfire makes when a fresh log is put on? how about the way all of humanity seems to glow a little bit this time of year? okay so you hate winter. its grey and depressing, right? what about the fact that spring is just around the corner? can you find the joy in hoping that the groundhog will not see his shadow? or that soon the robins will be back in our yards digging up worms?

i feel like there are so many people i know that seem to carry around this depression like a second skin. and i relate to them. please know i do not pity you. i just know what that world is like. and i really wish you could just open your eyes a little wider to realize that there is so much more than what you can see or touch right now. there are colors your eyes have yet to take in, scents you have yet to make a memory of. there is so so much out there to believe in. i know its not easy to see but one thing that has (almost) always got me through was the goodness of people. maybe not the people in your life that you want to this to imply to. but the goodness of mankind as a whole. if you look you can see it. if you dont try you are doomed to only see what you allow in. depression creates a sort of blinders to the rest of the world.

please if not for us, then for you.

frosting and sprinkles oh my!!

a week of vacation has officially started. and by week i mean i get five days and craig gets eleven. boo. we picked up the rest of the ornaments yesterday and the tree finally looks festive instead of just sad. i baked cookies last night hoping that we would be able to resist and i could pass them out at work, unfortunately not many people can pass up fresh homemade cookies warm from the oven even if their girlfriend is repeatedly yelling "stop eating my damn cookies!!!" it happens.

we have some shopping and some cleaning to do today. my family is coming over on christmas eve to play beatles rockband and maybe have pizza. im looking forward to it. it will be the first time they have seen where i live since i ever moved out. they didnt get to see either place in arlingtion heights and my dad saw the inside of dixon when i was moving out. but otherwise its just four walls to them. weird when you think about it.

i woke up at eight which is pretty much sleeping in now a days. i like having the morning to get stuff done and then waste the rest of the day making lists and planning. ive decided to get a tattoo at the end of march. the end of march you say? yes the end because at the beginning i plan on buying a car and maybe a puppy. its been years since ive had ink plunged into my skin and i feel that im settled enough now for something a little forever.

there was a time in my life where i swore i would never leave kenosha. that i wanted to raise my kids here and be buried here. then i fell madly deeply in love with chicago. and while a huge part of my heart is still there, i am starting to remember why kenosha felt so good in the first place. by no means am i saying that i never want to leave. i still plan on joining the peace corps when i am older, whether craig is coming along or not. and there is still so much of even this country to see. im just saying its nice to have a home. somewhere that you know and dont have to navigate through. i guess thats just where i am in life. i have an amazing boyfriend, the greatest friends (near and far) and a home.

what more could a girl ask for?

how true that it is beginning to look a lot like christmas. of course unless you live by jeremy then it has looked like christmas since the day after thanksgiving. i always thought living by christmas lane would be magical. until i grew up and developed a healthy and natural hatred of traffic. i have this upcoming week mostly off and will spend it trying to sneakily wrap craigs presents and push him to get his shopping done. im getting a stand mixer for christmas and i couldnt be happier. ive been dog earring books and stock piling recipes.

there is snow covering the ground and ive pre-heated my oven at six thirty am.

fa-ra-ra-ra-ra

its been two weeks since ive been able to post. the computer has refused to hold a charge and i have kept my hands busy wrapping and mixing rather than typing. but here i am again. the holiday season is settled in and my pathetic excuse for a tree brings a 6 year olds smile to my face. it is matted with lights that are poorly strewn across it and three ornaments. there is also one rope of silver garland that covers the upper third of the tree but no further. nestled underneath are books and tupperware wrapped neatly with name tags placed just so. the seasons been a good one so far. ive started to keep track of recipes ive both tried and that i want to. i see many dinners in our future dears.

trevor moved (literally) three doors down from us. im excited that i get to borrow sugar and not worry about it being laced with lsd and i cant wait for bruce to move to the neighborhood. there have been many jokes about underground tunnels. little do they know im a digger.

on a completely different note if feel like those final strings that have kept my heart bound to people are starting to break. i didnt think i would still feel this twinge of sadness watching this friendship completely die, but i do. i suppose i do what i do best and ive always been known to linger. to make it plain i miss you. not who you pretend to be but who you are. or i suppose who you were. im not sure anymore. its not for me to know. i hope the sun shines brightly on you. please trust in that if nothing else.

im thinking of cutting my bangs but bad things happen when i cut my hair.

insomniac.

its been a few days since ive been able to just lay and bed and go to sleep. its not that im not tired. my eyes hang lower than better off ted's ratings. but i just cant get my mind to sit still. it snowed today. the library looked a like a scene in a postcard. i never realized how strong the architecture was until i looked back on it today as i drove off.

i spent sometime really reconsidering the point of life i am at lately. i long to do something amazing. something bigger than what is in my grasp. but for once i dont have a divine power to blame it on. the peace corps is still a longing of mine. however im not willing to walk away from craig for two years. but i do plan on planting the idea in his head so that when we are old and settled we can pack up and move to some remote village where we wont have electricity most days and no internet. i want to see the world.

the first thing i remember about greece is how the colors were so different. so vibrant. so alive. i want to see what other colors are out there. the rust and tans of morocco. the whites and greys of france. the oranges and reds of africa. my feet have wanderlust but my heart is anchored.

tis the season...

the holiday season is setting in nicely. the air has kept a warmth that i am only comforted by until i remember the threats of global warming. we set up our tree yesterday. its bare of ornaments but full of lights. im sure it will come together nicely. i wrapped presents for my nephews last night for the selfish reason of being able to see presents under the tree. im determined to be in the christmas spirit this year. so far ive found that im easing into it nicely.

thanksgiving was one for the books. the night before we went out with a mission. to be sloppy and have fun. needless to say both were achieved. unfortunately i dont really remember most of the night. not eating all day and filling up on a gas station energy drink/booze cocktail probably wasnt the greatest idea. or the fact that after that i couldnt feel my lips after that but kept drinking. needless to say that night was full of bad life choices. i dont remember arguing or holding down my fort in the drive way for an hour and a half. and i dont remember the amazing after bar party at my house, which apparently parts of my high school attended. i do remember waking up on the bathroom floor to a friend peeing only feet away from my head. and i do remember i thought i was paralyzed. unfortunately all of the holiday cheer the night before made a holiday that revolves around food unbearable. i ate three bites of mash potatoes. and slept through dinner at craigs parents house. i tell ya, im a class act.

but it was worth it. i realize that the friends i have now are amazing and genuine. this time of year is bound to bring up the warm and fuzzies in all of us. enjoy them while they last.

ive finally figured out what im making all my friends for christmas. my hands have been keeping busy and ive got an itching for snow.