my boyfriend has fallen asleep on the couch next to me while watching some strange godzilla versus giant mutant space crab movie. unfortunately since this is on public access there is no way for me to find the title. but when i searched godzilla versus giant mutant space crab there this wonderful picture from the film came up. the man human character seems to be a young asian boy in very short shorts and a yellow baseball hat. i wasnt aware the movie was even on until i heard what appears to be a tiny baby godzilla proclaim "i have to fight or godzilla will think im a wimp".....aint that the truth ruth.

im too tired to type...

i woke up this morning feeling like i was on top of the world. im not sure if it was because it was the first night i had slept without a horrible dream or if it was because i knew that before the end of the day i would have a sweet sweet sangria in my hand. either way the sun was shining through the bitter cold and i felt fine.

i had dinner with three lovely ladies tonight and we managed to take up a table for over four hours while comparing work horror stories. just so you people know those of us who work at the library get together and talk about you. about the crazy clothes you wear or what you say to yourself out loud for all of us to hear. its no different from any other customer service job in that we need you to keep our doors open, but we despise you none the less.

JD Salinger passed away today. for those of you who dont know who he was or had no idea he was still alive, shame, shame on you. for those of you who dont care pick up a book of his.

but please for gods sake leave your tail and bells at home.

legion legion legion...boo.

the last few nights have been riddled with nightmares and the early signs of insomnia creeping back in. i woke up this morning around 5 sobbing hysterically and sitting straight up. i will not go into the details of the dream because they actually disturb me enough to not want to recount, but for some reason its dreams like that that put certain doubts and wandering thoughts in my life into perspective. so i snuggled close to craig and tried to drift back off to sleep.

we saw legion the other day. those of you who have not seen it and want to skip this paragraph, i will ruin it for you. i went into this movie expecting to be scared and that there was some sort of demonic aspect. for those of you who dont know legion is the name of a demon in the bible um lets see i think its mark 5:9..and jesus asked what is your name and he answered my name is legion for we are many. yeah creepy from the get go. also let me preface this summary with the fact that i am not a fan of movies that take place in just one place. i get bored. the movie starts with a stereotypical trailer trash girl talking about how her mom use to tell her to believe in god because he is gracious and kind. but after a divorce moms view changed to the wrathful angry god who would one day bring judgement and the apocalypse. when charlie (our heroine) asks her mother why god has changed his mind she gives the ever so comforting motherly advice "maybe god just got tired of the bullshit." we flash forward to a desert diner where our dear charlie is not only very pregnant but also sporting a very healthy smoking habit. low birth weight what?!!? and there is a boy whose name i honestly can not remember (thats a great sign for a main character) who is in unrequited love with our dear charlie. the dinner houses BOY's father, a short cook who is also a christian, a war vet and has a claw for a hand, an upper class family made up of a hip father pretentious mother and slutatstic daughter, who's BMW broke down during their drive across the desert. then drives in tyrese, whos character i really cant figure out. hes obviously driving somewhere with a gun and doesnt want to be involved with the police. you put the pieces together. we jump back to LA where a man has just fallen from the sky, he then cuts off his wings in an alley and steals a bunch of heavy duty guns from a toy store warehouse (oh LA so full of dreams and angels) we learn later that this now man is indeed Micheal the archangel. disaster starts to take over the major cities as we find ourselves back at the diner where a little old lady has joined us for dinner. after insulting everyone she switches into demon mode crawls on the ceiling and bites a good chunk out of hip dads neck before being shot by tyrese. Michael shows up shortly after trying to remain as mysterious as possible and slowly begins to unravel what is really going on. at which time we get to take a glimpse into heaven where Michael and gabriel are having a conversation about what god has ordered them to do. apparently it is not demons but angels that are possessing these people. god is wiping out humanity because he has gotten sick of our bullshit. but charlies baby could save us all. god orders that the baby not be born. michael doubts this mission and expresses this to his bff gabriel. we are left with the haunting line "are you going to give your father what he asks for? or what he need?" this is Michael's motivation to actually save humanity and restore gods faith in us. so angel possessed people start to attack the dinner in large groups. they are tricky, playing to characters weaknesses and using small children to carry out horrible tasks. eventually we lose hip dad, tyrese and slutastic daughter. but all the characters were so under developed that i didnt seem to mind that they were gone. gabriel then hits the scene to fight with Michael as charlie new baby and BOYa drive off to a refuge set up by other survivors. before they leave Michael tells BOYa to "find the prophets and learn to read the signs". Michael and gabriel fight to the death at which point gabriel slaughters Michael and he disappears. we jump to BOYa and charlie driving to safety when gabriel catches up with them. so they climb up a hill (which is of course what you do when a flying messenger of the almighty is after you) just when we think that BOYa is going to die, Michael returns from heaven to let gabriel know that he has failed god and that god is pleased with man and Michael once again. he spares gabriels life and calls him a failure. the movie ends with BOYa and charlie driving with the same opening playing over we see they have the baby and shit ton of guns.

so this is what i learned from this movie :god will one day get tired of our bullshit and kill us off horrifically. even if you are super close to god (like gabriel) and do exactly what he tells you, you will fail him and he will punish you. but if you do what you think is best and dont worry about what god says (Michael) you will be rewarded and epically win. also dont get pregnant, problem solved.

...a duller spectacle this earth of ours has not to show than a rainy sunday...- thomas de quincey

my favorite thing about sunday mornings is reruns. there are so many shows that i dont catch during the week due to work or video games being played. i dont sleep in any later on sundays than i do the rest of the week and when the tv is working i get to catch up on project runway and whatever horrible television i missed out on this week.

sundays for quite a long time have been my least favorite day of the week. i am often heard repeating that "sundays are worthless". and logistically they are. nothing gets accomplished. i have no motivation to do anything. i no longer go to church nor support any major religion so sunday doesnt hold any holy moment value. football season has long been over in my heart due to me being a bears fan. but that dears is a different story.

i havent spent much time with craig lately and i feel like there is this weirdness between us. i spent two nights out and then he was out for most of last night. now im not one of those girls that demands all of her boyfriends time. i dont need the constant reassurance that he loves me. i know he does. i just feel like we havent communicated lately and its weird. hes really become one of my best friends and im bummed when we dont get to hang out. ha. enough sappy stuff for now. i also spent all of my alone time last night watching an svu marathon and the jersey shore reunion so i think my mind is in a weird place.

i have no clue what today will bring.

i never get enough...

i am always so unable to fall asleep. like get in to bed and go to sleep. if i fall asleep on the couch first im golden. i am ever so tired. my eyes are burning from a mix of abrasive light and chemical fumes from hair day but they wont stay closed long enough for me to slip slide away into dream land. im not sure if its because i spent so much time not sleeping in beds that my body doesnt recognize it as the place it is suppose to fall asleep. i guarantee if you put me at a work desk or behind the wheel of car...POW! id be out like a light. but instead here i am typing away on the couch hoping that the chore of focusing words into sentences will lull myself into sleep.

as of now its not working.

i spent all of my day at work and all of my night with sarah. and my debit card came today. awesome because now i can stop writing checks, sucktacular because we went to ulta.

im too grumpy to do this.

sleep damnit.

modern things dont die, just stain.-yeah yeah yeahs

so yesterday was my day off and i spent quite some time looking at this blank screen trying to write something. anything. unfortunately i couldnt sit still for more than five minutes yesterday. i cleaned the kitchen. i ran on the treadmill. i started cooking a roast at 9 am. low and slow baby, low and slow. so by the time craig was on his way home from work you would think i would be able to sit back and feel accomplished. no. i feel like i got nothing done. besides a rather tasty dinner. but cie la vie. heres to another day.

today i am working a much longer shift than normal. which should prove fine since i have epic plans after work.

i taught myself to needle felt on tuesday. or rather martha stewart living did. but still i was quite amazed at how easy it is. and how much stress is relieved by punching felt into wool with tiny needles over and over again. i know how crazy this sounds, trust me.

winter is starting to take over my sense of adventure and i would much rather stay inside then even begin to venture past my back door. but i know that if i spend too many more days like this my hair will start to fall out and my eyes will glaze over. im getting cabin fever and want so desperately to live in a climate where it is not physically painful to go outside between november and march. im trying to stay chipper and will admit that some of the grayer days have been beautiful. but im getting restless and even feel like the internet has limits on its entertainment value.

dear sun-

im sorry things ended so abruptly. im not saying that i am totally at fault but please know im desperately sorry. i will do anything to get you back into my life. if there is some dance or ritual you would like me to perform let me, im at your beck and call. i miss you deeply and cant wait to feel you on my skin again.

please come home baby, if not for me then what about for the kids?

love always,
brandi

oh 2009!!!

new years eve-chicago 2009, this will be a hard new years eve to beat. it was epic and perfect in so many ways. i spent most of the night sitting at joshs feet demanding beatles songs and singing along to "kill maggie". everyone was home. everyone got along. it was beautiful....

i started working at the library (technically in 2009) and forced the only person there my age to be my friend. a year later i am very glad to say that sarah is a lovely person and im glad fate through our parallel lives perpendicular for a moment. ( yeah thats a math joke pow!!!) this was also the year i met not only craig, who i love unquestionably, but also alissa jesse and jessica todd. who would have thought that a rival team at trivia with a tall kid and two adorable girls would soon turn into some of my favorite people ever? seriously when you find people this good you dont let go...

and who of us could have predicted that 2009 would give us not only dollar beers and the pterodactyl but ladies and gentlemen nick chalupa!

alissa and craig love knuckle sandwiches. jtodd loves early birthday presents and apparently my face. i cant count how many nights weve all spent together but i can tell you it isnt nearly enough!

its weird when you meet new people and you click like youve known them forever. im not sure what it was but this was the year for that. i feel like the friendships ive made this year should have been since childhood. ps look at alissa's rockband face....ha i love her.

lets take a moment to pause and talk about my beautiful creative sometimes creeper best friend nicci. i cant even begin to tell you how much this girl means to me. shes been there through all the ups and downs of this year and i couldnt wish for a better person to have in my life.

i am blessed to have such amazing friends as this bunch. kitefest got rained out but that didnt stop our fun. im just upset we didnt have any pictures from our pirate day.

i went to renfair for the first time this year! it was amazing and i am keeping time clear on my calender to go again this summer. unfortunately i had to share that day with also being the first time i had to be in town when bruce deployed. that boy has such a piece of my heart. im so glad hes finally a year later home safe.

there was so many many moments i wanted to share with everyone from this year. but alas i dont have the time. im running late for a lunch date with a friend i dont nearly spend enough time with. but thats how it goes isnt it?

so heres to 2010...

heres to love...

its the final countdown....

nobody can be upset when the final countdown is on. but lets pause from this theory for a moment.

the picture on the left is why craig and i dont have more pictures together. neither of us can make a normal face to save our lives. i love him, but it is oh so true.

back to my music theory. seriously how can you be upset when europe is belting out that epic song of theirs? even if i hated everything that song would make me feel victorious. its a good bar song. people like to sing along to the chorus which leaves room for parts of conversation to flow over the lyrics im sure none of us actually know.
last night we went out to dinner with my parents and brother and his girlfriend. it was a good time as usual. i have a pretty awesome family. afterwards we met up with kevin and angie and some other woodmans people at a bar downtown. its a pretty chill place and very much the type of bar you can hang out in without the worries of date rape or lines for the bathrooms. angie bartends there so we were all filling her tip jar and enjoying the juke box. sdc came out for what was suppose to be one drink. and in all honesty while it was physically one drink, angies long islands are nothing to mess with. as sarah and i sipped our long islands i explained to her my theory on bar music.

nothing upsets me more than when you go to a bar and the music is horrible. and yes i count this for karaoke too. there are just some songs you should listen to outside of a public setting. yes im sure you are a great singer but nobody wants to hear your sad depressing song. those of us who are at the bar to drink our sorrows away and forget about our horrible lives will only sink deeper into the pit of despair by your crappy rendition of "naked as we came" or "concrete angel". and why would anyone think its a good idea to play mudvayne or slipknot in a bar full of drunken men that at one time had convinced themselves that they would really be something because they played football in high school? why get angry people rowdy? not a good time. why help sad people become sadder? have you ever seen a cry-er at a bar? i have. not a pretty sight.

so i have a list of songs that i have deemed bar appropriate. they range in artist and type. and yes there are slow songs in there. and depending on the bar and the people i think "nothing compares 2 u" can be a great bar song. i remember one day over the summer when a patron walked in and started singing it acapella and the whole bar joined it. its all about timing. so just in case you are wondering some of my all time standbys are as follows:

-dont stop till you get enough-yes i know boys probably hate this song. but its got a great beat and is fun. a great way to start the night.

-take me home tonight- we use to play this one closer to the end of the night in bars in chicago. its great to sing along to, everyone knows the words. and who doesnt want a barful of drunken women singing take me home tonight? im sure many a guy got lucky because of this juke box choice.

-three little birds- its chill and puts out a great vibe. not right for some bars. but played at the right place the mood will pick up and everyone will be smiling and bobbing along to our dear bob marley.


maybe i put too much thought into things.
or maybe ive just figured it all out.

its the worst of you i hate...

for those of you who dont know i have a fond affection for horrible television. i am no stranger to america's top model reruns or whatever dance show is currently filling the 8 oclock spot. i can summarize certain seasons of the real world and casually use bad girls club references in conversations. but unlike most people with my affliction i do not try to hide or glorify it. i know that it is horrible television. i know that it is probably killing my braincells and is definitely not helping my vocabulary. but here i am night after night letting my eyes glass over to the debauchery and drama of would be fashion designers and celebrity addicts. but i sit here proudly.

i however have hit a new low. a low that i am not proud of. a show that i can not add to my list without a twinge of shame. i ladies and gentlemen watch the jersey shore.

now now before you throw things at me or comment mocking my intelligence know that i agree with you. it is detestable. but its a break for the normality that is my life. never before have i encountered people like the ones on this show. there is no poof in wisconsin except the few cases of bump its gone bad. everyone here sports an albino glow instead of that oompha loompa shade of orange. its like a sick fantasy world where i can escape the restraints being literate and just relax to the sounds of dj pauly.

truly the show offers a form of entertainment that my life does not. the people i choose to keep company with do not fist pump. we do not use words like "yousguys". and at no time have any of us been looking for a "tan superjuiced guido/guidette" at least to my knowledge.

so here is my confession ladies and gentlemen. thank you for listening.

oh fiona...

i opened my eyes while you were kissing me once, more than once

i have this reoccurring dream where craig and i are driving to the zoo and i cant remember if it is on 90 or 94. so fortunately for us the toll is also somewhere you can stop and pay park the car and ask for directions. it looks alot like the jefferson park metra station. so out of the car we go to try to figure out where we are going. we pay the toll once we get inside and start to look at the random maps scattered through out the station. imagine mall maps with the arrow stating you are here. thats what we were staring at but they were covered with random highways and train paths in colors i havent ever seen in real life. we try to find someone to give us actual directions and while craig is talking to random toll road employee number one i and watching the news on a tv in the corner.

and you looked as sincere as a dog just as sincere as a dog does when its the food on your lips with which its in love

the news is reporting that a well known murder (the bathtub killer) was being transported today to a maximum security prison and has escaped. we are all to be on the look out because this killer is both crafty and ruthless. i can feel my heart start to beat a little faster as i glance from the tv to craig and notice that the man he is talking to is also the man shown on the tv. my mind races as i try to figure out how to get craig and get out of here as soon as possible. so i walk over slowly trying to seem casual "yeah man i have a map in the basement that can show you the back way. if you come down there with me ill get it and you can keep it." craig of course agrees and brushes off my resistance to enter into the basement with this total stranger to some random back room sealing our doom.

i bet you could never tell that i knew you didnt know me that well it was my fault you see you never learned that much from me

as we start descending the stair case i manage to whisper to craig that this is infact the murder on the loose and now we are in a creepy basement alone wiht him and are going to die. we approach a door and the killer is fumbling with some keys to open it. i see this as our only chance to get away so i grab craig and we start running through the halls of this basement which now resembles some massive warehouse/underground bunker. i can hear him running behind us so we dart into a room on the left. its dimly lit but i can tell it has pallets and pallets of something and a rack with large bags of something hanging from it. so we climb on top of the rack to hide. and of course the killer enters the room we are in.

oh you silly stupid past time of mine, you were always good for a rhyme

"you know why i started killing do you? because it was the only way to get back at all of you. the only way to get you all to finally notice me. to fear me. to respect me. when i was in high school all we could afford was cereal. stale old cereal. do you know how long i was made fun of for bringing cereal to school every day? the first person i killed was a football player from school. he stole my lunch and crushed my cereal and then dumped it over my head. so i slit his throat. it feels so good to talk about this now. to bad i have to kill both of you."

and from the first to the last time the signs said stop, but we went on whole-hearted it ended bad but i love what we started

i of course wake up here because i dont want to be killed and it also happens to be 6:20 which is weekend wakeup time. now i know the dream doesnt sound as daunting in text but let me tell you its terrifying. that and the killer is danny devito. and if you know me abnormally small people creep me out.

ive had this dream a few times now. but it always ends in the warehouse. im beginning to wonder if it is like those choose your own adventure books and i need a different path to take to survive or something. either way i woke up craving cereal and not wanting to watch always sunny for quite some time. i did find out today that i do not like frosted mini wheats. kinda a bummer.

this is my morning.
this is my life.

whats your favorite dish? im not going to cook it but ill order it from zanzibar..

ive been spending my spare time watching tenacious d and learning to needle felt. needless to say i dont think either are bettering my life but im laughing harder than normal on my days off. time well spent.

today i got to hang out with robin. it was the first time in a long and time and a good reminder that i dont often make time for people in my life as i should. its something to work on. its something that is two sided though. i was discussing with phil the other day that i feel like nobody answers their phones anymore. there are some people that i just miss having conversations with. but alas they escape me.

theres a lot of things ive been missing lately. a lot of people go on that list.

i know that i am the happiest that ive been in years but i cant help but miss some of the oddest things. like i miss my old apartment on dryden. yes in the "ghetto" of arlington heights. i miss the table on the other side of the front door and hanging my keys on the wall. i miss not knowing if there would be a surprise guest (usually welcome) there waiting for me. i miss snowball and the mattress in the living room. i miss watching lost with danny and avis on that horrible circa 1977 couch while drinking arbor mist straight from the bottles. i miss jewel osco and all the people that came along with it. i deeply miss living with danny.

lets pause here for a moment. i really really really miss danny sharett. for those of you who dont know him he was my roommate for a year in arlington heights and quite possibly one of the greatest people i know. he may not seem like it to some of you but you didnt have the opportunity to get to know him the way i did. yes he's a ladys man. yes he likes to party. but he is also kind and thoughtful. and hilarious. i talk to him often but its not the same as being face to face. its weird to miss someone so deeply and talk to them as much as i do. but its hard to explain. he has a great energy. i really hope you all have someone in your life that you know you can talk to about anything and not be judged. someone who will honestly give their opinion and truly want the best for you. i can not even begin to explain how much he means to me.

i also miss living in dixon. (weird right?) i miss drinking hot chocolate at aarons or walking to cathys in the snow with charli. i miss arthurs. derek and jeremy. i dont miss working at subway and still think karen is a bitch. but i miss the other people. and the small bars with the sad old men. and the horrible horrible drinks. i miss things being calm and quiet. i miss etta. who was the old lady who lived upstairs. i miss bunny. and pico siev zeb seth kristen and so one. i really miss watching the boys keep jeremy on one side of the room by kicking their feet at him. im telling you it is hilarious to see. hilarious. i miss driving through no where and the fireflies and corn fields.

while talking to robin today for even just the smallest of moments i missed SOMC. i tell you it was fleeting but it was there.

appreciate the people in your life. tell them all the wonderful things you think about them. because one day you'll be on the wrong end of the voicemail game.

i just finished watching avatar...

and besides the pain in my ass i have no other large complaints. seeing it in 3d was interesting. i dont know if i expected too much from it because i wasnt overly impressed with it. it felt like watching any other movie except when there was dust or bugs in the air. then it felt like things were right in front of me.

the movie though long was interesting to watch. though both craig and i left the theater feeling horrible for what happened to the american indians, it was still a feel good love conquers all type movie.

i dont want to write too much about it for those of you who like me are late to see many movies.
but just like where the wild things are i think you would be okay to wait to watch it at home.

by the way i love craig even if he thinks my journalling is pointless and worthless. :)

today was a day like any other.

i started out my morning at franks diner. which is the best way to start a day in kenosha. after two hours of good food and conversation with a dear friend i went grocery shopping. i then wasted a good chunk of my day uploading music to my ipod. which by the way is in desperate need of more titles...suggestions are always welcome. i then went to work and this dear friends is where my fun begins.

for those of you who do not know i work at a library. i am not a librarian. you have to have a degree for that. yes im serious. but i do all the work you would assume a librarian does. only with smaller pay. so like most monday evenings i walked into a messy back room with a full table of media to process and a few carts to check in with more on the way. i take my time on monday nights. i have a system and it works best when i dont rush myself. so here i am plugging away clearing carts and shelving books when i finally decide to go put away this overflowing cart of media.

first the cd's. which are directly outside of the desk. admittedly i was browsing but still filing. when a woman approaches me about a childrens dvd. now just to clarify it is not my job to help people find things. and i dont mean this in the snotty im above that way. i mean it in a "thats what librarians do" kind of way. my job is to point them to the information desk in the middle of the library. yes right in the center in front of the doors you walked in through. yes the big giant desk with the big giant sign that says information. so i inform this patron that if she would kindly step eight steps to her right that the information desk staff will find her exactly what she is looking for. after the three most awkward seconds in my life she steps closer to me and informs me that she doesnt want to talk to them because they are busy. i look over her shoulder to see them talking amongst themselves about girl scout cookies. no no, i say they are glad to help you. (please remember i have a GINORMOUS cart of media to put away) but this does not persuade her. she just keeps staring at me. so i walk over to the catalog she is looking at and find the call number for the dvd. i walk her to the shelf that is labeled childrens dvds. grab the dvd and smile at her. i walk away quickly making sure to avoid the un-cameraed corners of the library until she leaves.

so back to cds i go. next i round the corner to audiobooks. much to my surprise there are two grown women sitting on the floor with piles of audiobooks on the floor next to them. the limit is 5 per patron so i know that they will not be able to take all 35 of these books out. so i kindly pretend to care if they need any help finding anything. both ladies scoffed at me. actually, audibly scoffed. i then turned into the next aisle, but not without say just as reminder the limit is 5 audiobooks per card. this obviously was enough to deeply insult both tweedle dee and tweedle dum. because they stood up immediately informed that they were fully aware of how the library worked and that they would take as many as they wanted. they proceeded to pick out thier 5 audiobooks and leave the other 30 on the floor for me to reshelve.

now this is not where the story ends. but it is where we transition from aggravation to shock and disgust. as im putting away dvds a women squeezes past me. now im not a small girl but there is at least 3 feet between me and the shelving unit behind me and she managed to push me and the send the books spinning. i glance over to see what area she is browsing in so i can avoid trying to shelve while she flips through the movies. how wrong i was to glance. what has been seen can not be unseen. my eyes are immediately drawn to what can only be compared to an electric white jello like substance, which unfortunately was this womans thighs. her skirt was shorter than my patience at this point and i was trying my best not to stare. however it wasnt her skirt i couldnt break my eyes from but the tattoos that ran down the back of her thighs. at first i thought they were skeleton fingers but no, as i continued to analyze i realized they were wings. very poorly tattooed wings. i decided that now was the time to get out medialand and back into the safe haven that is the back room. before i can return to my cart a well known patron who has more than just a few screws loose strikes up a conversation with our dear gelatinous friend. amongst the bits and pieces i managed to catch before hightailing it back to the safe zone was that the tattoos were wings and went covered both ass cheeks, there was some joke made about spreading her wings and that her brother had done it for her.

what has been heard can not be unheard.

please think twice before you go into public people. and please be kind to those of us forced to work with you.

there is no goblet of juice...

this, this is funny.

its blustery and cold. the winter is digging in its heels and begging for our attention. in all honesty i cant bear to brush snow off of another window. but alas im anchored in the loveliest of ways.

a good friend of mine just landed this amazing job being a marine mammal observer. if you dont know what that is google it. but the short of it involves being on a boat for a month in the gulf of mexico while i try to see if i can fit my foot with three pairs of socks in to my boots. (the answer is no) im extremely excited for her and horribly jealous all at the same time. BUT if things pan out right i might try to weasel my way into visiting where ever she ends up docked.

i also plan on going to visit my dear jesse in alaska this year. i cant believe his time home went by so fast. i also cant believe that im am not only willing but extremely excited to go to alaska. i have a train ticket from a few years ago that i can still cash in. and im thinking about taking a long trip out that way. but who knows...

tonight was a friend of mines retirement party. i work at a library so yes i have friends who are old enough to retire. she was by far one of my favorite people to work with. i will never forget when she told me she got kicked out of her first apartment for dating a black boy. good times. good times.

theres a lot on my mind lately but im not sure how to say it. ive been working on the book alot and am starting to get nervous about whether people are really going to come through with their writing. its hard trusting people with something i care so much about.

but now is not the time to worry about that dreamer, now is the time to clear your mind and sleep.

oh darling part one...

i had to get out of bed to put this down. my mind wouldnt let me sleep until i stopped forming sentences in my head. trust metaphors are the worst lullabies.

as i mentioned earlier i am reading "good without god" by greg epstein, and to be rather honest i am so far unable to really attach to book. the writing is nowhere near a style that grabs nor even holds my attention. however there are a few clips and phrase that have lead me to read a few paragraphs here and there. more so than the book itself (more of an explanation of the humanist worldview than anything else) i suppose its the title that grabs me. the idea of good without god.

i can clearly remember a time in my life where i would firmly tell you that all that is good comes from god so therefore there can be no good without god. however today i sing a much different tune. while i believe that people who believe in god can and in most case do good, im also quite certain that one can both be and do good without god.

first however lets look at something ive been mulling over for a good portion of this snowy night. does someone who believes in god actually "do good"? here is my reasoning. "doing good" is often used to explain or describe action that is outside of what is expected of a person. going the extra mile, above and beyond, blah blah blah. however when a person is of the christian faith (because of my lack of experience with other faiths i will be using christianity as my comparison for most of this ramble) they are taking on the characteristics of christ. or at least striving to. so would most acts that are socially considered "good" (IE feeding the homeless, giving to the needy, community service etc) now become the norm for them? shouldnt these acts be considered no more out of the ordinary than a squirrel burying an acorn and then digging it up some months later? do we consider the squirrel to have do something extraordinary? or do we just dismiss it because it is what squirrels are suppose to do? if that is the case how does one "do good" with god? are they not just simply functioning the way they are suppose to?

now this circling thought led me to then consider what it is that those of us who do not stake claim in christianity do. i personally do not consider doing any of the above mentioned acts (feeding the homeless, giving to the needy or community service) to be out of the ordinary for any of us. i believe that merely as humans relate to humans we carry some sort of duty to look out for each other. to help in any and all ways possible and to carry a compassionate heart. i have to admit that a lot of the ideals i function off of i learned from my stint with christanity but honestly they were things i believed long before i was ever introduced to religion. my kindergarten report card states plainly "brandi is often too concerned with others. it is becoming a distraction to her."

ever since i was a child i felt the urge to take care of and help others around. sometimes to a fault. however it has always just been the most natural thing in the world to me. one of the greatest experiences in my life was the time i spent with SOMC (souled out masters commission) in new orleans after hurricane katrina. never in my life would i think to say that waking up at 5 am, showering in a community shower, cooking two meals a day for over 600 people or sleeping in a tent with 500 strangers would make the highlight reel of my 25 years. but i must say it has. and i never felt closer to whatever higher power there is than those days either. i felt completely in tune not only with the people i was working with but those i was there to work for. everything felt completely in line and natural. organic. at the time i would have told you that i was there because it was what god wanted me to do, this also happened to be the answer for why i didnt quit SOMC either. but looking back on it i realize that i felt completely in tune with myself during that time. i often reread my journal from those days and realize how much joy and peace i found in helping others.

i suppose i really have no answer to this question. im not really sure if there is a definite one. "good" is as subjective as beauty and truth. i suppose its just that i now believe that i dont need a banner to throw over these acts, that it is weighing on my mind so much.

heres to the best we can make happen.
heres to what we hope.

baking and wrist aches.

i just finished making a 3 layer chocolate on chocolate cake for craigs moms birthday tonight. i decided since i was asked not to make anything weird (we can delve into this later) that i would at least decorate the top. so i used the chocolate frosting that both cover and fills the cake and smooshed it into one end of a sandwich baggie. i then spent the next forty minutes muttering "up down up down" to myself in the kitchen. i made a wavy spirally pattern thing. i think its cute. but it needs work. and thats where i am.

i have a pretty decent stack of recipes down. and my baking times. but when it comes to decor on a cake....a;flihga. i have to train myself to slow down. to breathe while i am creating. to flow. until them i will stick to cupcakes and cookies. i dont know why cupcakes are so much easier to decorate. maybe because i dont have as much room to mess up. who knows?

i did see a really great stencil for a squirrel design. now i just need an excuse to make a squirrel cake. any takers?

besides that ive started to work out again. besides my normal running ive decided to start doing some weight lifting and core building. the beach is coming in august. and i still want to go to hawaii in november. thats a lot of beach time. im not going to turn into one of those calorie obsessed fat gram counting girls. im happy with the way i am. i like this body. im just taking it to a different place.

im deeply considering becoming a ginger. i will have to make an appointment with a dear friend and see what she can do for me. until then...

this is where i am.
wristache

ive got this constant pain in my chest. im writing it off as a caffeine over dose and hoping that it just goes away. i tried a new recipe last night stuffed french toast casserole. it was alright. but not as great as i thought it would be. i picked up some extra hours at work yesterday. its going to be a good pay period.

i really feel like there isnt much going on right now. the packages from christmas are settling nicely where they need to be. the christmas tree is gone. opening space for air and even friends. the holidays seemed to move in and out as quickly as the first snow.

im starting a new book today called "good without god" ill let you know more about it once i get past the cover. im hoping its worth reading. i feel like its been awhile since ive read a good book. and when you are surrounded by them thats a hard thing to deal with.

this year i ...

kept my hair long until i couldnt stand it anymore.

learned that when i cut my hair bad things happen.

survived being reared by an UPS truck.

fell in love with an amazing man.

finally got my boots.

quit working at a job i hate.

spent more time enjoying the little things.

experienced my first official blackout.

let myself watch horrible television.

came to terms with my faith.

there are so many many things that i could list. all in all 2009 has been a great year. im glad to see it go. if for no other reason than to bring a new one in. im making plans to be in warmer places when the snow starts to fall again next year. my feet are starting to make it quite clear that they have no interest in starting a relationship with the frozen ground. and i really miss not wearing shoes. this year im resolving to follow my passions. there are so many things i want to do. so many things to cross off my lists. and i will. i realize that i prepare myself for situations i would never be in and i never seem prepared for the situations i am in.

so here it is.

more importantly, here i am.

hello 2010.