not your typical christmas eve post

its christmas eve there is snow covering the ground and my lungs are still strong enough to pull in the frosty air.

if nothing else this is enough reason to be thankful to be alive. i promised to myself some time ago that i would always try to see the brighter side of things. all my life people have always thought of me as so happy and nice. once i was even told i was someones "always smiling joy spewing happy ball". needless to say much gin was involved in that conversation. but the truth is i learned many years ago how to fake a smile. laughing has always by far been my defense mechanism and chances are ive spent more time deeply depressed than i have completely elated. ive seen the lows. ive had times in my life where i lost all hope. and felt there was no need to carry on. ive thought suicidal thoughts multiple times. ive cut myself. ive isolated myself from everyone and everything. all the while wearing this smile. not to say that it wasnt genuine. it was just serving a dual purpose.

now im not telling you all this for pity or shock value. i just want some of you to understand that i have been down the road you seem to be on. its lonely and dark. and even though you can see footsteps on the path that dont belong to you, you feel utterly alone. and the truth is you are. when you keep yourself in that mindset. when you dont try to find something better. when you dont believe that there is something worth waking up for out there. then you are alone. no matter what anyone may tell you. its taken me years to come to grips with the lowest time in my life. it still scares me to think back on that time and remember the things i thought about doing.

im 25 and have the whole world to live for. i have a family that is honest and loving. i have friends that are trustworthy and kind. i have a boyfriend that adores me. now unfortunately not all of us have all of these things. but before you go around moping about how horrible your life is do an honest inventory. there are things worth getting excited over in your life. do you love the way trees look when all the leaves have fallen away and snow has blanketed the outstretched branches? do you love the sound a bonfire makes when a fresh log is put on? how about the way all of humanity seems to glow a little bit this time of year? okay so you hate winter. its grey and depressing, right? what about the fact that spring is just around the corner? can you find the joy in hoping that the groundhog will not see his shadow? or that soon the robins will be back in our yards digging up worms?

i feel like there are so many people i know that seem to carry around this depression like a second skin. and i relate to them. please know i do not pity you. i just know what that world is like. and i really wish you could just open your eyes a little wider to realize that there is so much more than what you can see or touch right now. there are colors your eyes have yet to take in, scents you have yet to make a memory of. there is so so much out there to believe in. i know its not easy to see but one thing that has (almost) always got me through was the goodness of people. maybe not the people in your life that you want to this to imply to. but the goodness of mankind as a whole. if you look you can see it. if you dont try you are doomed to only see what you allow in. depression creates a sort of blinders to the rest of the world.

please if not for us, then for you.